Dust’s Confession: Worship as Weapon

Dust’s Confession: Worship As Weapon

It is hard to hold Faith in a world that does not recognize it.

I want to share a touch of my own struggle — to ground my humanity and offer a reflection. The real is dirty, beautiful, and true. What follows is a confession, perhaps just a reflection, but all of it is true.

I live with Major Depressive Disorder, with suicidal ideation. I have acted on those ideations once in earnest and twice in passing. Yet here I remain — not only alive, but ALIVE. Faith in Him sustains me moment to moment.

I have spent years trying to bury myself in prescription painkillers, hoping to dull the ache of separation from Him. I have tasted the shadow of death and recognized Life. With these realities clear in mind, let me tell you what I wrestle with today.

It is hard to hold Faith in a world that does not recognize it.

It is hard to wait patiently for God’s answers.

It is hard to remind our souls that suffering may last the night, but joy comes in the morning.

It is hard to cling with all our strength when the world insists we are holding nothing — that we are wasting our time, maybe even holding up the line at the drive-through.

But I am reminded: we are not holding Him in our hands. He is keeping us in His.

We cannot let go if we are already cradled in His arms, His precious possession, children of His garden.

The Valley

Today I felt like it was the day.

I wanted to fade away.

To vanish like smoke,

To gracefully retire.

Lay down my cross,

And rest in my Sire.

Yet still, here I am.

Pouring out what I have to say.

There are no mountaintops with God —

He sees us in the valleys.

I write often of glory,

Yet I wallow in grime.

Wrestling with my body,

With my spirit,

With a blessed brain that wages war against itself.

The Resolve

What do I have to say?

Praise God. We can rest our entirety upon Him, for He sustains.

It will not always be melody.

It will not always be smooth sailing.

If it were, it would not teach us.

One day, we will thank Him in full.

Today, I thank Him in faith.

Today, I choose Him again.

And my weapon against my worst impulses?

Worship. Written worship. Drenched in awe.

So I name myself simply:

Dust.