The Quiet Death of Dreams

The Quiet death of dreams

I have found, after careful consideration, that we are not free, not a single one of us is free. I have looked on in life, my own as a participant, and others as an observer, and what I have learned is that we are all of us bound. Each thread, chosen with either care or disregard, each choice another invisible link in our gossamer chains. Our words also are bound by regard, compassion, mercy, or perhaps fear.

I will speak of myself because it is the best example I can confidently say I know a touch about. I am lonely in a marriage that has no future, I know this, we know this, and yet I remain. I hear others telling me, “You are free to leave”. Yet how can I sacrifice the last 17 years, all that it entails, connections made and formed, family found and forged, and memories shared forgotten.

My past is filled with her smile, her face, the way she smells, the way she moves, how can love that is true cast aside the known present for futures uncertainties? I ask myself, “Can I live without her smile, her infectious mirth, and steadfast devotion to her passions? “I have found no answers, and I remain. Am I not bound here, bound by my love, by my fear?

My heart whispers deceitful lies: Brutally I crush them, casting them aside as worthless. It tells me that I deserve happiness, that I deserve to be held, to be desired, and to be sheltered.

My eyes also lie to me; They say I am beautiful. I know that to be false, for surely if I were beautiful I would know it ?

My mind wages a constant war within me. The war between the feminine and the masculine, the spiritual versus the religious, and the suffering of others over my own personal suffering. I am bound by an uncountable number of silky strands roped together to keep me static, to stay my hand. My heart will always carry me forward over even my feelings or my mind.

We all want to be free.

Not to pay the cost

We all want to shake our bonds.

Not to be ungrounded

We all want to lie to ourselves.

Not to truly be critical

Saying we are free when we clearly are not is just another lie we tell ourselves.